August 11th 1857

Thursday Aug 11^th 1857

I sit in my chamber that faces the oriental east the sun frost guilds as he rises from his early couch. The tall? locusts? sigh and moan fitfully in the dusky shades of gathering evetide and the sky is overcast with dark clouds. Without is gloom and mist. Within my breast throbs a sad heart swept by the fingers of the mighty past and as she casts her wand before me there rises the wind like form of other days with all thin --- joys and well remembered griefs. While each in chorus seems to say we bring but the memory of one short year of a twelve month quickly passed we gather around you and bid you look from the present to the past within this same window? And form resolves for the future look back only a year. I cover my eyes. I cant recall so many smiles and tears. Then there comes another picture. --- March with her childlike --- of boisterous winds and balmy zephyrs. Her sunny morning clear --- and cloudy nights and I am sitting at the window writing. Sometimes the tears drop on the paper for I am oppressed with fears. I am writing to one that then was very dear and gave me no cause to doubt his sincerity. Yet I am very sad as if coming events has cast their shadows darkly before them.  In a little and for a little while I again was blessed and happy then came the shock and we who once loved so fondly parted and the waters of mistrust arose and divided us and swallowed up our love and confidence. Oh bitterer waters ? stores? of bitter March on the shores of that dark gulf we both stand. Looking wistfully across longing again to be together sometimes the waters secead till there almost seems to be no gulf. Then some unfriendly hand touches anew the rock where dwells that hidden fountain then anew it gushes forth. In rain I stretch out my arms to cry, forgive, forget. Pride strikes them down again. And upsets the tiny boat ladened with forgiveness. And while I stand there half in tears I was softly beckoned away and ere I had wiped my tears I felt a manly arm around me which clasped me closely to his heart left on my lips warm kisses, wiped away my tears, and whispered to my heart the fondest words of love and hope, Then I laid my head down softly on that shoulder to dream a wild a thrilling dream of happiness and he murmured very softly as his eyes sought mine My Sister Dear. But ere its first extacy had passed I awoke and again I stood alone weary smiles? had sepperated as And I was left again in doubt. On how few days of our lives can we look with entire satisfaction. On how few without many regrets.  I regretted also those few short hours of love and joy And as I soon think of them  I would rather exchange those hours of thrilling extacy for the more tranquil quiet enjoyment of mere friends. For now that I have drank of that cup of joy how doubly weary seems the hours that slowly pass setting doubts and fears in firm reality that it was all a dream that shall never know a happy realization. All a dream. How like a knell it sounds to remind me that the world is sometimes false and fickle and that no tears of regret no smiles for its return? can ever recall it And again I returned to the home of my childhood and sat again after very short wanderings in this same window and pondered deeply in my heart for I again had given sorrow where I fain would have awoke joy. I had refused the hand of one. He was noble and good yet I could not  mock with bestowal of my hand what the heart could in no wise sanction. And so I sadly bade him forget. Oh I am blessed with love and friendship Why may I not rest all my hopes in heaven and live a happy blissful pilgrimage yes I am far from the --- of discordant. hate and enviousness  And yet I feel as if something was wanting