September 26th 1858

Sept 26^th 1858 Home

Once again after a long silence do I seat myself to commune with my old friend my Diary. I have wandered far away since I wrote last in these pages from my Home. Uncle Kirby gave me a invitation to accompany him and Allie down east so I have been to New York, Chatham? Canan? New Lebanon --- ---- had a very pleasant time but was glad to get back again. The Wednesday after we came back attended a suffolk School picnic at the Fair ground. Had a very pleasant time. Messers Decker, Hopkins and Mac Manns? spent the day talking to Allie and I. Two of them very pleasant fellows but J- and M- were very angry because we talked to them. But the next week we went down to the fair and finally induced them to recover their tempers so they waited on us altogether. Friday evening they came and asked us to attend Poters? Lecture before the teachers Association. Were very pleasant. I shall sometime remember what was said after we came home. Yet I cannot think of them but with regret for well do I feel my wickedness in doing as I do. I care not for the feeling of others at least I trifle with them for I do care for them for I regret it. Poor J- and M- I care not for either of you. Again will I give pain when I would give nought but pleasure. I will long remember our quarrell and what was said afterwards. I told nothing but the truth for I do not care anything for Jo Smith. Always have I regreted it when I flirted with anyone. Why do I still continue to do so? I resolve now I will not do it again.

 [After four years have elapsed I find myself doing the same thing I fear 1862 Jan]

July 25th 1858

July 25^th 1858 Home

Once again have I looked over my Diary but it does not seem to progress very rapidly for while I should be writing, I am looking over what I have written before. So I have made a great many good promises of writing some every day but I am very much afraid I shall not do so, I have been thinking of the good times we had last winter of the night down to Tattles? Where I danced til about three and then Jo made me promise not to dance any more and Jo’s going back to dance another set when Allie Morse? of and I went together and the night us four went over to Carries. I guess? I shant soon forget the buffalo skin ---- And again the night over to Pittsford and West Henrietta and the flirtation, I carried on down to Russells and my talk over to Quimby’s with the fellow that did not bring any girl, and two or three nights down to Helen Pikes room and one down to Anna Keyes, and the night we went serenading when we scared one young man so bad and the many many pleasant nights at singing school when somebody always came home with me. But I must write some letters so leaving the many pleasant remembrances called up I go to do my duty.

June 20th 1858

June 20^th 1858 Sunday evening

At ease ---- I sit down to write in my Diary. Looking back I see Monday Aug 10^th ---- Bell and I went up to the store scarce six months passed and she was laid in the silent tomb. I shall always remember her as one of the dearest friends of my youth. Poor Bell. But seventeen, handsome and talented you were taken away from us. It seems sad that one so young with all the hopes and aspirations of youth. Why was it that Our Heavenly Father took you now. Yet we should not ---- for we ----- be sure it is all for the best for He seeth not as we see.

May 31st 1858

May 31^st 1858 Henrietta Monday

The daylight has dawned and faded and I have again sit me down to wrote “----- Forget” yet I cannot add “et non forget” for time surely seemes to be a winged thing? which we cannot hold. I have been looking over my past writings tonight and I smile at my folly of a year ago. While I resolve to learn wisdom from the past to guide my future life yet still I wonder if in another year I will not be s—ling after this years folly. It is even thus we think we learn every year to be wiser than we were the last year yet I question if it would not be better if I were the unsuspecting girl of last. I know this has been a great change in me in one little short year, one year ago I gazed on everything through a rose tinted glass now I have learned to know things as they are! What has made this change the part? will tell. I have been tempted to tear out some of the leaves of my Diary, But have firmly resolved to let them remain as they are, truthfull and it is only myself I can blame. Lo they shall remain so that if I ever am tempted to fall into similar folly a glance over these pages will save me.                                                      

Picture of Mary

May 13th 1858

Henrietta May 1858 13th

I have been looking over what I have written in times gone by today, the first time for many months. Months which have brought joy and sorrow, joy for I have made many new acquaintances that I have learned to like. Some of them very much. Sorrow for in them I have lost two of my little nieces. Poor little Carrie and Lizzie. Do I wonder that I can but sit and look out of my chamber window and grow sad very very sad. Memory, fond memory loves to linger around those day’s when they sported in infancy glad and gay, and made the household glad and bright with their artless prattle and sunny laughter. It lingers around those dark dark day’s when we saw the rosy lifes grow pale, the lily upon the snowy? brow grow pailer and more heavenly beneath the sunny hair. We felt and knew that they must die. Oh those were dark dark days. We saw them place them in the little coffin. W---- their once buoyant forms in pure muslin and place the evergreen chaplet on their marble brows as if by their loved flowers we might call them back to life again. Then sadly we laid them to rest in the quite (quiet) graveyard. The winters snow falls lightly upon their pillow. The summers rain weeps over them But as we weep where we saw them resting in death embrace saw them lade in their final resting place The form we once so loved caresses us [no more] no many laughter ! No childish loving niece salutes us! Where rests the baby now? Cannot she hear us: Nay a niece? Oftentimes comes to us from the golden clouds at sunset and whispers softly “They have passed the dark waters of death. They have glided down its, blue, deep, waves in the swift canoe to the spirit land!” The firefly? Dances and the pale flower blossoms where once they sported They remain but the fair haired children who sported with them passed away! No longer they gather the spring flowers. But they have gone to another brighter better land! Where no sorrow comes! Where the flowers never fade. Where comes no slowing days or fitful winds sighing mournfully for faded joys. Where no tears ever flow. Where all is beautifull and bring and happy There, There! dweleth in joy those little ones you loved That once loved you would ye call them back  “Mourn not for the child from thy tenderness? Ere stain on its purity fell, To thy questioning heart Lo one answer from heaven Is it well with the child! It is well”

August 11th 1857

Thursday Aug 11^th 1857

I sit in my chamber that faces the oriental east the sun frost guilds as he rises from his early couch. The tall? locusts? sigh and moan fitfully in the dusky shades of gathering evetide and the sky is overcast with dark clouds. Without is gloom and mist. Within my breast throbs a sad heart swept by the fingers of the mighty past and as she casts her wand before me there rises the wind like form of other days with all thin --- joys and well remembered griefs. While each in chorus seems to say we bring but the memory of one short year of a twelve month quickly passed we gather around you and bid you look from the present to the past within this same window? And form resolves for the future look back only a year. I cover my eyes. I cant recall so many smiles and tears. Then there comes another picture. --- March with her childlike --- of boisterous winds and balmy zephyrs. Her sunny morning clear --- and cloudy nights and I am sitting at the window writing. Sometimes the tears drop on the paper for I am oppressed with fears. I am writing to one that then was very dear and gave me no cause to doubt his sincerity. Yet I am very sad as if coming events has cast their shadows darkly before them.  In a little and for a little while I again was blessed and happy then came the shock and we who once loved so fondly parted and the waters of mistrust arose and divided us and swallowed up our love and confidence. Oh bitterer waters ? stores? of bitter March on the shores of that dark gulf we both stand. Looking wistfully across longing again to be together sometimes the waters secead till there almost seems to be no gulf. Then some unfriendly hand touches anew the rock where dwells that hidden fountain then anew it gushes forth. In rain I stretch out my arms to cry, forgive, forget. Pride strikes them down again. And upsets the tiny boat ladened with forgiveness. And while I stand there half in tears I was softly beckoned away and ere I had wiped my tears I felt a manly arm around me which clasped me closely to his heart left on my lips warm kisses, wiped away my tears, and whispered to my heart the fondest words of love and hope, Then I laid my head down softly on that shoulder to dream a wild a thrilling dream of happiness and he murmured very softly as his eyes sought mine My Sister Dear. But ere its first extacy had passed I awoke and again I stood alone weary smiles? had sepperated as And I was left again in doubt. On how few days of our lives can we look with entire satisfaction. On how few without many regrets.  I regretted also those few short hours of love and joy And as I soon think of them  I would rather exchange those hours of thrilling extacy for the more tranquil quiet enjoyment of mere friends. For now that I have drank of that cup of joy how doubly weary seems the hours that slowly pass setting doubts and fears in firm reality that it was all a dream that shall never know a happy realization. All a dream. How like a knell it sounds to remind me that the world is sometimes false and fickle and that no tears of regret no smiles for its return? can ever recall it And again I returned to the home of my childhood and sat again after very short wanderings in this same window and pondered deeply in my heart for I again had given sorrow where I fain would have awoke joy. I had refused the hand of one. He was noble and good yet I could not  mock with bestowal of my hand what the heart could in no wise sanction. And so I sadly bade him forget. Oh I am blessed with love and friendship Why may I not rest all my hopes in heaven and live a happy blissful pilgrimage yes I am far from the --- of discordant. hate and enviousness  And yet I feel as if something was wanting

August 10th 1857

Monday Aug 10^th 1857

Bell Richardson came to call on me this morning and I went with her to send a circulur to Charlie Lindsay. Harve directed it for her and I had a very pleasant talk with him. He was pleased but showed no disposision to be anything but friendly. I went over to Joseys ? to tea. Sarah Calkins came in and we had a very pleasant talk. I am friends with All the world now. Although I am not so happy as I was three or four weeks ago for causes I will not explain here but in after years may I remember it and learn wisdom from my foolishness. I know it to be foolish but cannot help it at once. On how few days of our lives can we look with future satisfaction. On how few without many regrets. I regretted also those few short hours of love and joy And as I now think of them I would rather exchange those hours of thrilling extacy for the mere tranquil quite enjoyment of mere friendship.

August 9th 1857

Sunday Aug 9^th 1857

Again hath w--- the blessed sabbath day the farmer hath left the fields of r--- grain his flocks and herds and now sits in the shady porch to read the lesson of the day. Nature seemes to have grown still and only breaths in softest sighs. We went to church listen to a sermon by S. W. Struter and a very good one. After tea I dressed myself as Harve told me he would come to see me but like all men he was false.  I am not subject to the blues yet I had a severe attack this evening. But I said away with melancholy  and musing? ore blighted hopes as I realy wanted to see him very much. I wonder if Millie S. told me the truth and he is realy engaged to Sarah P. and hes been with so many others. I can hardly believe he is so deceitful so I will say “Let us think of a man as we find him” and trust him still although I would wish he did not go to see Sarah but I will hope for a better time coming

August 8th 1857

Saturday Aug 8^th 1857

Bright sunny yet cool morning. How busy we all are. Fingers keep time with the happiness of our hearts this afternoon. Harve walked some with me from the store. We spent a most delightful hour of ‘sly’ flirtation all to be forgotten in a day. Mayhap their memories may linger a w---, All this is not what my soul panteth for. It cannot satisfy the longing of my heart to be loved. Flirtations are an empty farce, a romance which for a moment delights, then leaves an empty, unfilled aching void. Sweetmeats which for a moment in the month are most pleasing but afterwards bring regrets.

[I realise it more than ever now. Jan 1^st 1862]

August 8th, 1856

My Diary                                                            

August 8^th 1856- Henrietta

Were circumstances different, I would have commenced in the first of the month. But in anticipation of a happy time of many hours not all misspent, I have seated myself to trace the very incidents which have first occurred, lasting though faulty it be in many respects yet truthfully describing every little incident of joy or sorrow pleasure or pain. I may in future time read oer their pages learning from my former folly. Future wisdom, living oer again past joys and days long fled. Recalling many a half forgoten ----- thin fading from memory’s page. I may softly guild life's path with a sweet memory of “joys that we’ve tasted” and chase away the gathering mists of snow with smiles of other days with thoughts like there past and future softly blending. I dedicate my Diary.

                To Memories of other days,

Mary E. Kirby