September 27th 1858

Sept 27^th 1858 Home

I am almost ---- how much have I changed in the last four years. Four years ago I was fifteen, bashfull and I believe a warm hearted gril (girl) knowing little of gentlemen. Indeed when any one did come to see me I relied on ---- to entertain them. A year had not passed over my head when I had a fear. I did not incourage him for I cared not for him, yet I know that if I had so willed I could have been his wife. A few months more and another paid me attention but he met with as little incouragement. Then the winter after I was seventeen I had another I flirted with him and dismissed him. The next summer there was two who paid attention to me. One I loved but I found out all of his affairs and I could no longer respect him. Therefore my love took wings so by mutual consent. We agreed to be friends nothing more and a friend to him I shall always be for he has been a good friend to me. The other one I respected and when one night he told me he loved me I told him I loved him as a brother and asked him to let me be his sister again.  In the fall I flirted desperately with another. I have wronged him more than anyone else for I was never frank with him and I have carried it so far I know not how to rilease myself yet it must be done for I love him not and my dear parents would not consent. I am their young (youngest) and last. I must not give them cause for sorrow on any account. Yet again at the same time another told me he loved me but I have no cause for regrets there for I did not encourage him. Last Friday night another told me though (thought) a great deal of me and said he feared I loved many others better than I did him. But he could not help saying I was very dear to him. I told him and I spoke truely that I did not love anyone of those he mentioned. May I be forgiven if I have done wrong and I repeat to myself on how few of our days can we look without many regrets.